My little girl is having seizures. Out of the blue, no fever, no warning. I would love to say that I am perfectly calm about this, that I understand that these things happen, with no adverse effects, all the time. Especially in my family. But it's never happened like this, not so many, so frequently. Add to that the fact that I volunteer with a population where I can name at least 3 children who started with seizures and ended up with brain cancer.....you get a big heaping dose of crazy.
I would also love to say that I trust God so much that I'm not worried. It's not really that I don't trust Him, but I realize that my comfort is not His priority. After all, He was in control when my babies died. He was in control when Rose was treated as trash. He was in control when I was abused as a child. None of that changes His sovereignty, or His absolute goodness. These are the things I know:
I know He loves me, and my daughter, enough to allow His son to be treated as trash, be abused, and go through intense physical discomfort, even unto death. I know that if the choice is between someone trusting in Him for salvation and my comfort, He will choose salvation for them. I know there is never pain without purpose. I know I will never understand that or desire it.
So I am fearful, and sad, and angry. But honestly, I have no where else to go. I can either go through this, trust that it is good, and keep running to Him or go through this believing He doesn't care, doesn't listen and do it by myself. If I've got to fall through a deep hole, I want Him at the bottom of it.
6 comments:
I am sorry to hear about this latest cross you have to bear, and I hope this doesn't lead to cancer. I will keep her in my prayers, and the rest of y'all as well. Please keep us up to date.
-Fr. Ron
God bless you and your entire family. You are all in my prayers. God will honor your faith in Him. No doubt about it.
Before I leave your blog, I want to share something that happened to Mrs. Fritz and me about 3 years ago.
Mrs. Fritz had gotten a hernia at work lifting heavy boxes. She contacted her physician regarding getting the surgery. She came home from his office almost in tears. The doctor had checked her out for the surgery and had run an EKG. He said that it showed she had had a major heart attack sometime in the past. In the meantime she made an appointment with a well known heart surgeon here. He saw her and gave her a preliminary EKG and said the other doctor was correct, that she'd had a major heart attack and she wasn't going to be able to get the hernia repaired until the heart situation was seen to. He then scheduled her for a "stress" test at which time they run a complete check of the heart for damage, etc.
We prayed together about the situation, pretty much putting it in God's hands. She had said she'd never felt anything like a heart attack, however the heart surgeon told her about what's called a "silent attack" which can do much damage.
That night as she was sleeping, and I was not, (I'm the family worrier, with faith, but I worry) I rolled over to face her back and put my right hand on her right hip and my left hand on her shoulder. She was still sleeping. I prayed in all earnestness that God would heal her. As I was praying I felt as though an electrical current was moving between my hands. I was taken aback by this, but when finished with my prayer, I was finally able to get some sleep. That morning I told her what had happened when I prayed. She went on to the doctor's office for the stress test. The results were that there was no sign of any heart damage and the doctor said her heart tested like the heart of a woman half her age.
She was overjoyed, as was I, and we of course thanked God for all His goodness, rejoicing greatly, of course.
I know there are those who'd be skeptical of this whole occurence, but it did happen exactly as I described it. Even I was totally amazed. I've not the gift of healing, but God gave it to me for that particular event. BTW, Mrs. Fritz went on to have her hernia repaired and is quite well as we speak. Praise God from Whom all blessings flow! He is faithful even when we are not!
It's not about losing faith. It's not about trust. It's all about comfortable, when you move so much.
I love you very much, my dear, dear friend. I hate this for you. Know that I am here for you (though I've been horribly out of touch). Anything you need that I can do, I'd love to help. We are praying.
Tracy - I know this may sound crazy but just think about it. When my little sister was born, she was missing 4 vertabrae. She was prone to grand mall seizures. My mother took her to many doctors. We found a Palmer schooled Chiropractor and little by little stopped having seizures. I know you little girl has no other symtoms, but what could it hurt?
I don't remember when you and Chris came to NYC...but I believe it was before this post.
It's now been nearly 3 months since this post -- how is she doing now?
Do you have a medical update?
Hated reading that you were going thru this...but know the 'healer' that holds YOU, my dear sweet friend, in HIS ARMS.
Just thinking of the deep & wide shadow that covers you and your chicks....from the wing of the Most High El Roi...the God who sees everything...from the physical to the ache and fear that would have to penetrate your heart!
I'm praying...
I love you...
I'm so thankful for the incredible testimony you have for the Lord -- that is a foundation of faith to stand on in this time.
<3
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